A study was done determining that the average American couple having difficulties in marriage had on average 10 areas of significant incompatibility. It was also determined that couples reporting a higher level of satisfaction in their relationship had on average 10 areas of significant incompatibility. Take a second look at that and see what it's saying. Marriage is not about finding your soul mate, someone who matches you completely and is like you perfectly in every way. It's about making it work. Problem solving together, being sensitive, understanding, hard working, compassionate, faithful, etc.
Tasks and challenges can come with even early on from the newly wed stage. It's important to set up a foundation establishing rules and expectations between the both of you. Remember that time is very valuable, and it's not just yours, it's also your spouses time you're dealing with. Establish yourselves and create a picket fence around your marriage. One where there is room and space for other family help and influence, but that there is that boundary.
Determine how the both of you will deal with disagreements. In most common situations in a conflict both people are trying to get their way. Find ways to negotiate calmly and understand each other points of view. Remember that a problem or conflict is never worth risking an eternal temple marriage. President Monson said “Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.” Go over how your parents solved conflicts and consider what you will do the same or change. It can be difficult having a difference of opinion, but try to clarify each others feelings. Try considering why they think the way they do and try understanding what their feelings and reasoning is. This person you love so much must have a reason, be attentive to that. Couples will always have big decisions to make together, like what family events to attend, financial, future planning, goals, etc. Sometimes life's decisions will be slow and natural, and other will be big and unexpected. Consider who will perform what role under what circumstance. Of course we can't plan for everything because life is so unexpected at times, but we can try to prepare ourselves for anything and at least be willing to stick together through anything. The relevance with planning our patterns beforehand together sets us up for greater success.
What happens when roles and tasks are not met? You might start weighing your spouse's character and judging the person you married suddenly thinking how you must have married an uncaring and unfair individual. You might wonder if the marriage is even worth dealing with. We need to show more empathy for the other person and maybe aren't doing the best job expressing it. Use skills like clarifying what they are saying, validate and step inside his or her shoes. Take sometime to stop yourself and look at their point of view and understand what they are saying. Practice reflective listening.
When we get angry we go into a mammal like state. The reasoning in our frontal cortex is literally turned off. Another interesting thing is no matter what, our brains will automatically believe that whatever we think, whether it's technically right or not. Which can cause some real conflicts when we disagree. First step is to take a deep breath, that will really help bring back your brain and reasoning instead of instinct when we get angry and defensive. Think about how much you love your spouse and consider the difference of opinion that they have is just as valid as your own. Value the fact that they are a different person than you. When we choose to think before we get upset or getting offended, we are allowing our spirit to make decisions. Don't allow yourself to be put in mammalian mode like an angry dog.
When we have suggestions for each other, or something we believe our spouse should do differently, or recognize a problem they have, how do we lovingly criticize and righteously admonish each other? We need to do it with the Holy Ghost. When giving the suggestion or advice, give it kindly not harshly with crude tones and demeaning words. Be Christ like and say it with care and concern. When receiving such information, don't be offended about what you hear. That's what Satan would have you feel. Be understanding that your spouse loves you and is making suggestions to try to help you be a better person. Husband and wife are suppose to work as a team anyway.
The Lord shows us in the scriptures how to problem solve together. The words in parenthesis are the definition of the before to better clarify and bring more understanding.
D&C 121:43 "Reproving betimes (in the correct season) with sharpness (with precision), when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."
This is saying in the correct time, make precise admonitions to your spouse when moved by the Holy Ghost, but then show an increase of confirming love afterwards.
An example of this could be you're annoyed because your husband or wife leaves a trails of dirty socks on the floor and you're sick of it. Instead of saying something demeaning like how sick and tired you are of them and what a big slob they are, communicate to the other your feelings in a loving, caring way. Tell them what is bothering you and ask them if they would work on it. After bringing this up with your spouse, make sure to follow up with how much you love and appreciate them even still. Marriage is about working together and making sacrifices for each other.It's a perfect opportunity to become more like our Savior, and a marriage is stronger when we pattern our lives after him.
In the same chapter of D&C verse 44. is says "That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death."
We wonder when things aren't going well if our partner is falling out of love with us. We wonder if they are really devoted or not. By following scripture 43, we will have a stronger relationship and will avoid this feeling of desertion from our spouse. Our faithfulness will become certain to each other and the bond will become stronger than death.
These scriptures are beautiful guides to a successful relationship if we follow them. It prepares us so we don't end up thinking that we are angry at our spouse because they are "a selfish jerk" who won't pick up their dirty socks. More it helps us think how we can solves these things together.
In the bible in Ephesians 4:26 is says "Be ye angry, and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath." JST translations for the beginning: "Can you be angry and NOT sin."
29. "Let no corrupt communication proceed our of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."
What is grace? It means to give more than is earned, giving one hundred and ten percent to each other and assuming the best of our spouse.
Consider this, the Holy Spirit of promise seals us in the temple. Do we really want to drive him away through our anger, conflict, and arguments between each other?
"And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemtion. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor and evil speaking be put away with you.."
Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
The battles we face are not against each other, not against husband and wife, brother or sister, etc. It us against Satan who has a highly organized effort to pull us apart as married couples and families. He goal is to ruin the basic fundamentals of the church, and families, and the eternities. By being united we are able to fight the adversary together, and being in a strong righteous family is the best way to put on the armor of God. Submit to the Lord, stay close to him, and everything will work out.
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