Dealing with Family Struggles and Crises

This week we talked about Family Crises and Stressors and the positive and negative effects they have depending how we respond to the circumstance. Let’s say you play basketball, if you don’t practice your skills you won’t do very well during a big game. That’s the same with family systems and crises. If you don’t practice what you know and the principals you want to keep hold to, you’ll have a harder time during the struggles thrown your way.

How we react and think about them can redefine the situation. It’s important to stay cemented in our gospel principals so we can always remember that Heavenly Father is there to help us. One thing we can do during a trail is read the scriptures. The scriptures have a way of helping us see the larger picture, and give us a different perspective through our difficulties. We recognize that there is a bigger plan for us. The fundamental unit of the church is the family and literally we are recreating and making it stronger or weaker. In all things we must strive to do our best because in doing so we are bringing up the kingdom of God.

We need to understand that the symbolic interactions we have in our family have a huge impact on each member. When the children in the family notice the unconditional sacrificing love that mom and dad have for each other, it’s often reassuring to them that things are well and being taken care of. In all things, even during our struggles we must have faith in God and put him first. It will bring our family closer together. These trials we’re given are meant to not only test us, but to bring us up stronger. After the end of any crises like a death in the family, financial problems, individual struggles, health problems or an injury, etc., we can look back and say I’m better from this, or I’m not.

Under stress we revert to things that are familiar, unless we have clearly practice something different we will end up doing what we have been exposed too and have seen. We are around our families and parents and look up to them. We will tend to create habits similar to them. I know I noticed that about myself especially when I moved to college and saw myself reacting to things in similar ways to my mom and dad.

We must interact with our family in such a way that we can work together effectively. Have an eternal perspective and know that being selfless and compassionate with make a trials easier. Inability to work together tears us apart as family subsets. But when wounds are created, remember that the atonement heals all things. It’s been said that time heals all wounds, but I disagree. I really believe that the atonement and forgiveness heals.

There are some negative ways to cope during crises; they are denial, avoidance, and scapegoat (blaming someone else). It’s easy to do these things, so we talked about positive foundations to cope with stress.

1.       Take responsibility. It shows and creates a huge amount of maturity. Pointing fingers is one of Satan’s ploys to make us feel like we have no control. One example is if I only had more money we would be better off and have everything we need to be happy. By doing this, someone is blaming the fact that being better financially off would solve everything. Our families are the most precious and important things to us or they should be, and Satan’s tries to distract us from that truth.

2.       Reframing: change the way you look at a situation. If you use your fingers to make a frame around a certain object, you’ll see a certain picture, but if you change the frame, let say the focus, angle, from vertical or horizontal, you’ll see a whole different picture. That’s what reframing does. As we adjust our thinking we will see things different than we did before if we keep an open mind.

3.       Affirm your family’s worth. Struggles can bring a lot of negative vibes and make us feel worthless. You need to remember that everyone is truly loved and of worth. Satan knows that unkindness has the power to break families down 50 times faster than anything else.

Divorce Proofing our Marriage

Divorce is increasingly common in society today, so how do we divorce proof our marriages? One big reason why marriages end in divorce is because of affairs. It says in the scriptures that we are to cleave to our spouse, and for everything we go to our husband or wife for things like mental, emotional, and physical support.

It’s easy when we have an argument or get frustrated with our spouse to think “I wish she/he was more like…” and you can insert any change in personality or compare to any friend you know. It is important to have a distant interaction with other outside friends or family members to an extent. Even our same gender friends we need to keep distance from. In general, we share close and important information to our friends and family, but that changes when we get married. Our spouse is the one who we share those special and personal feelings. When we share those private feelings you grow closer with that person. Marriage is a sacred and special subset that our focus needs to be centered on in every way mentally, emotionally, spiritual, etc.

Anything can be a threat to a couple’s marriage. For example, friends (of both genders), family, the media like movies and tv shows, social networks like facebook, and books even. Believe it or not Twilight has caused more damaged to LDS marriages that could be first imagined. Any woman who has read the series would agree with me that Meyer has a way of writing to draw you into the story especially how she describes the main male character, Edward. Not only has he become an obsession for many young teenage girls, but also married women. They end up clinging to a non-fictional character wondering why their husband can’t have the qualities of this unrealistic character. It creates an impractical image of what the “perfect” guy should be like and thus has the same resulting effect that porn has. We start believing this impossible imagine when that’s not how things really are. It’s just as damaging as an actual emotional or sexual affair with a tangible person. It goes to show how careful we must be in holding strong to the boundaries we set to the faithfulness of our spouse.

Another important thing is to not complain to other people about any struggles happening between you and your spouse. It is in wrong context to do so and nothing good will come out of it. If you need help contact the proper authority like a bishop or counselor that can help mend things.

Borrowing money and continuing to live with mom and dad after marriage can create a huge problem for a married couple. That money comes with a price and means you are still dependent on your parents which don’t help with the essential process of becoming your own separate subset as husband and wife. It’s ok to accept it as a gift at times, but not as constant support.

I’ve been encouraged to be wise about choosing someone who I marry. I was curious what that meant. For all I knew that could mean don’t marry a garbage man, but the whole meaning of choose wisely is making a lot of sense to me. Brother Williams talked a lot about going into a marriage wisely, and I think finding a good marriage partner is one who is willing to set strong boundaries with you and being completely faithful in body and mind. One who has a healthy realization of Satan’s temptations and follows the standards, covenants, and promises that’s set to keep the couple safe. Someone who you know loves you and is willing to work with you through any of life’s situation. A person who will follow the prophets and put God first and understands that doing so will bring each other together. Being able to acknowledge and accept each other weaknesses but recognize strengths and shows humility about abilities and talents. One who accepts differences between the two, but also celebrates the similarities. Someone that will work with you and is willing to patiently negotiate and problem solve through hard and difficult situations together. Living and no matter what loving the journey together.

That’s what compatibility is all about. One thing I’ve always been afraid about is marrying someone who won’t be willing to do these things. Compassion, sympathy, patience, those are all important Christ like attributes that both husband and wife need to extend to one another. I’m really grateful that I’ve been able to gain this understanding and that the Lord would help me see this.

When problems occur in a marriage because of infidelity and divorce seems evident, it’s important to remember that the atonement of Jesus Christ has the power to heal all things. It won’t be easy, but it’s completely possible and worth it. Anything regarding an affair, emotional or sexual has an intense effect on everyone involved, and has a bad mental affect on especially the person who committed the affair, but because of Christ, all things can be healed. His atonement is enough to fix any problem. One interesting fact is that our brains are constantly forming new brains cells. After ninety days none of our original brain cells are alive because they have all been replaced with new ones. We can literally change our mind and refigure it based on our actions and behaviors. They say that affairs, pornography, etc. has a lasting effect on the brain, but I thoroughly believe the atonement can fix those things too. Not only does the atonement heal us, but we are always growing and changing.

Define what fidelity means to you and your spouse, fiancé, or who you’re dating. Clarify those rules and boundaries to stay far away from the real possibilities of infidelity. For me, I plan on making strict rules so I don’t even touch those boundaries. That I stay faithful both in body and mind to my husband. Remember it’s important to decide not only what those boundaries will be, but how you will implement them.