Advice for All Marraige Relationships

A study was done determining that the average American couple having difficulties in marriage had on average 10 areas of significant incompatibility. It was also determined that couples reporting a higher level of satisfaction in their relationship had on average 10 areas of significant incompatibility. Take a second look at that and see what it's saying. Marriage is not about finding your soul mate, someone who matches you completely and is like you perfectly in every way. It's about making it work. Problem solving together, being sensitive, understanding, hard working, compassionate, faithful, etc.
Tasks and challenges can come with even early on from the newly wed stage. It's important to set up a foundation establishing rules and expectations between the both of you. Remember that time is very valuable, and it's not just yours, it's also your spouses time you're dealing with. Establish yourselves and create a picket fence around your marriage. One where there is room and space for other family help and influence, but that there is that boundary.
Determine how the both of you will deal with disagreements. In most common situations in a conflict both people are trying to get their way. Find ways to negotiate calmly and understand each other points of view. Remember that a problem or conflict is never worth risking an eternal temple marriage. President Monson said “Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.” Go over how your parents solved conflicts and consider what you will do the same or change. It can be difficult having a difference of opinion, but try to clarify each others feelings. Try considering why they think the way they do and try understanding what their feelings and reasoning is. This person you love so much must have a reason, be attentive to that. Couples will always have big decisions to make together, like what family events to attend, financial, future planning, goals, etc. Sometimes life's decisions will be slow and natural, and other will be big and unexpected. Consider who will perform what role under what circumstance. Of course we can't plan for everything because life is so unexpected at times, but we can try to prepare ourselves for anything and at least be willing to stick together through anything. The relevance with planning our patterns beforehand together sets us up for greater success. 
What happens when roles and tasks are not met? You might start weighing your spouse's character and judging the person you married suddenly thinking how you must have married an uncaring and unfair individual. You might wonder if the marriage is even worth dealing with. We need to show more empathy for the other person and maybe aren't doing the best job expressing it. Use skills like clarifying what they are saying, validate and step inside his or her shoes. Take sometime to stop yourself and look at their point of view and understand what they are saying. Practice reflective listening. 
When we get angry we go into a mammal like state. The reasoning in our frontal cortex is literally turned off. Another interesting thing is no matter what, our brains will automatically believe that whatever we think, whether it's technically right or not. Which can cause some real conflicts when we disagree. First step is to take a deep breath, that will really help bring back your brain and reasoning instead of instinct when we get angry and defensive. Think about how much you love your spouse and consider the difference of opinion that they have is just as valid as your own. Value the fact that they are a different person than you. When we choose to think before we get upset or getting offended, we are allowing our spirit to make decisions. Don't allow yourself to be put in mammalian mode like an angry dog. 
When we have suggestions for each other, or something we believe our spouse should do differently, or recognize a problem they have, how do we lovingly criticize and righteously admonish each other? We need to do it with the Holy Ghost. When giving the suggestion or advice, give it kindly not harshly with crude tones and demeaning words. Be Christ like and say it with care and concern. When receiving such information, don't be offended about what you hear. That's what Satan would have you feel. Be understanding that your spouse loves you and is making suggestions to try to help you be a better person. Husband and wife are suppose to work as a team anyway.  
The Lord shows us in the scriptures how to problem solve together. The words in parenthesis are the definition of the before to better clarify and bring more understanding.
D&C 121:43 "Reproving betimes (in the correct season) with sharpness (with precision), when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy." 
This is saying in the correct time, make precise admonitions to your spouse when moved by the Holy Ghost, but then show an increase of confirming love afterwards. 
An example of this could be you're annoyed because your husband or wife leaves a trails of dirty socks on the floor and you're sick of it. Instead of saying something demeaning like how sick and tired you are of them and what a big slob they are, communicate to the other your feelings in a loving, caring way. Tell them what is bothering you and ask them if they would work on it. After bringing this up with your spouse, make sure to follow up with how much you love and appreciate them even still. Marriage is about working together and making sacrifices for each other.It's a perfect opportunity to become more like our Savior, and a marriage is stronger when we pattern our lives after him. 
In the same chapter of D&C verse 44. is says "That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death." 
We wonder when things aren't going well if our partner is falling out of love with us. We wonder if they are really devoted or not. By following scripture 43, we will have a stronger relationship and will avoid this feeling of desertion from our spouse. Our faithfulness will become certain to each other and the bond will become stronger than death. 
These scriptures are beautiful guides to a successful relationship if we follow them. It prepares us so we don't end up thinking that we are angry at our spouse because they are "a selfish jerk" who won't pick up their dirty socks. More it helps us think how we can solves these things together. 
In the bible in Ephesians 4:26 is says "Be ye angry, and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath." JST translations for the beginning: "Can you be angry and NOT sin."
29. "Let no corrupt communication proceed our of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."
What is grace? It means to give more than is earned, giving one hundred and ten percent to each other and assuming the best of our spouse. 
Consider this, the Holy Spirit of promise seals us in the temple. Do we really want to drive him away through our anger, conflict, and arguments between each other?
"And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemtion. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor and evil speaking be put away with you.."
Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." 
The battles we face are not against each other, not against husband and wife, brother or sister, etc. It us against Satan who has a highly organized effort to pull us apart as married couples and families. He goal is to ruin the basic fundamentals of the church, and families, and the eternities. By being united we are able to fight the adversary together, and being in a strong righteous family is the best way to put on the armor of God. Submit to the Lord, stay close to him, and everything will work out.

Making the Wedding Day Count

How do we make the wedding day launch the couple on a good start to their new life? There are a couple things we talked about in class and certain components that add to a successful marriage after the ceremony. Let's start from the beginning with asking a question, is the proposal important? Is it just a custom we perform that's mindlessly apart of this process? A proper proposal sets the tone for what you're about to go into. A proposal is a question presented in a way of respect for each other and the life changing direction you're going into together. When the guy proposes, he is essentially laying everything out on the table for them. Marriage is a real sacrifice, so it's very respectful to do a proper proposal. Parts are very important. As romantic as it can be, it's also like suggesting a contract proposing everything that's there to offer. A very important factor is did he ask dad for her hand in marriage? That's shows a huge about of responsibility on his part and respect for the family.
So what makes a great wedding? In a nutshell the most important thing is making sure you are prepared mentally, spiritually, emotionally for this next step. Being there with close family and friends will make it the most special. Don't get caught up in "the perfect wedding", just enjoy the moment with those you love. It's important not to get too caught up in the colors, dress, how your hair is done etc. Don't get so caught up that you don't focus on the most important part, the covenants you make through this process of exaltation.
When making invitations, don't do it through facebook! If you want to gather contact info from friends and family that's ok, but it's very unprofessional to create an invite facebook page.
An average American wedding comes down to $21 grand. The money comes from credit cards mostly from her parents, although at times the couple does finance it as well. Marriage starting in debt starts in stress. If your dress is so expensive, ring is a fortune, reassess where you're focus is. You're wedding day is a wonderful day as it's suppose to be, but it's only a day. Marriage lasts forever. One tip, try simple, elegant, and look for deals.
One problem is there is almost a bigger emphases on the reception than the actual sealing. Technically the reception is suppose to be about the community receiving you and your spouse as a new couple into society. It's been redefined as the biggest party you can throw for everyone invited. We talked about the reception line. It's a very formal custom, and Brother Williams said that we can do away with it all together. Most the time the people standing in line to meet and greet get tired and annoyed with standing their for so much of the reception, and the people invited enjoy being able to socialize at their own pace. Most people in general really don't like the reception line. 
What should the involvement of the family be to the couple after the wedding? Boundaries need to be set enough so the new couple can be left to establish themselves.
Remember also when making all these plans for your wedding to plan them together, or make sure your spouse is good with everything. Make sure to talk and communicate about ideas and preferences, it's just as much your wedding as it is theirs.

Prep for Marriage

I've learned a lot of great things this week that will help with marriage relationships and prep for that huge step. One thing we discussed is  how important dating is. Not hanging out, or hooking up, but real dating. It's an opportunity to find out more about a person and how will they will be able to perform the tasks of marriage. We reviewed dating to be defined as planned for, paid for, and paired off. But why is dating so important for marital success? What does it tell about a person? It says a lot about a guy in particular and here's why. It is believed in our religion that three main male responsibilities are to provide, preside, and protect. Look at the connection between these the definition of dating and marital responsibilities of men. While dating if he is doing these things, he is preparing himself for a better successful marriage. Provide connects to paid for, protect connects to paired off, and preside connects to planned for. The guys are in charge of paying for the activities during dating and earning money for his family. If he is protecting his date while they are together not only from outside influences but also from himself during the date, you know he will be a good defender for a future family, and if he has thought ahead and planned the date well in advance, he is more likely to preside over events and important activities that go on in the home and will be active in the execution. Our qualities should nurture each others righteous roles.
Continued courting is also essential after marriage. Couples who don't do that are basically sharing meals, completing everyday tasks, and helping each other with schooling or kids. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's so important to spend time together. Not only does doing activities help you stay closer but it adds more quality to the relationship. Work hard together and play hard together.
The way a relationship starts and develops from the very beginning sets the couple up for success or problems in the future, how we do or did date correctly plays a major role and it seems society has redefined the meaning of dating just like the word marriage. While dating we are able to see a person from difference angles and notice red flags or positive signs. When attaching to someone it's important to go over similarities of beliefs, values, likes, dislikes, plans, preferences for the future to limit problems etc. Make sure you both have a similar game plan. When we have more shared between someone, we have more in which to connect with. The more you share expectations, culture, values, etc. we learn to accommodate one another.
Remember to consider your family support as well in the relationship. Friends and family who generally are happy and approve of a union will help strengthen the couple.
We discussed a lot about why cohabitation is a bad precursor to marriage. It's pretty much being roommates with benefits, a trial that indicates laziness to committed to one another in making tough decisions. Many people use it as an alternative to "test the waters" and see if it will work, but they are setting themselves up for failure. People who cohabit are five times more likely to separate because they are me-oriented and are not prepping themselves in the right way for marriage. You live an individual life by cohabiting that won't get you in the mindset of working as a team through easy and hard times. The mindset of cohabiting is if things get hard, then i'm going to leave. It's not a realistic union for the future becasue marriage is and living with another person is all about working together through problems, differences, and difficulties. Anything that life throws out.
When making the choice to be married it is up to the couple and Heavenly Father. There isn't a right time, there is only the best time. Some put a reasonable time limit to how long it's safe to date before getting engaged. There's is no magic number, only the most appropriate time for the couple under God's direction.
We talked about how there will be road blocks along the way during not only dating but in marriage. Satan will try in every way to pull a marriage apart even after the sealing. Sometimes through contention, challenges, or difficulties. Choose your mate wisely so you both may know how to combat him and stay close to each other.

Encouraging Heterosexuality

I was amazed in class when Brother Williams brought out a book called "Encouraging Heterosexuality", but at the same time I wasn't surprised because of the current debate against and between Homo and Heterosexual relationships. I've been able to read a lot of interesting articles and listen to some great remarks done by various professors, and the most common question is this: is same sex attraction something people are born with? 

A study was done that examined the differences between people’s brains who declared to be either homo or heterosexual. The discovery was made that there are small differences between the both, but that there was no clear evidence that supported an actual structure difference in the two. Activists who were for homosexuality ran with the study saying that this supported the fact that same sex attraction is something you are born with, when the study proved no such thing. That is a total misconception.

I’m lead to believe that it is a choice we make to be hetero or homo sexual. When we are born as infants and grow into little children we have no idea the difference between the two. So what makes people think this way? First of all to point out, we expect when kids are little that boys should engage in boyish activities, like playing with trucks, action figures, being tough as they grow up, liking sports, etc. Girls on the other hand we expect to be more sensitive, gentile, creative, playing with dolls and dressing up, etc. When as a little child a boy shows more creative, sensitive tendencies, we automatically put a label on them that they must be gay when they’re just showing different qualities. Same thing when a girl acts more like a tom boy, we label that as automatically being a lesbian. One question is has our focus increased homosexuality? This labeling from parents, peers, and others around us is misunderstanding with bad consequences. They think to themselves that they don’t fit in with their own sex and jump to the conclusion that they’re gay or lesbian. People who are sexually abused during their lives or molested could also think about the possibility that they have same sex attraction because of how others have mistreated them.

I lived in California during Prop 8, it was a really rough time when perfectly good friendships were severed, people were hurt, property vandalized, and many other things. I’m LDS, and there were many people under the misconception that Mormons were anti-gay. It was said by the First Presidency that we’re not anti-anyone, we are Pro-family. We don’t hate anyone like we were accused of during that time; we just wanted the word marriage to remain man and wife under law.

So how do we encourage heterosexuality? The question is how much choice is involved, and many people think it’s something they can’t change but we determined in class that it’s a process that can be overcome if they desire. Heavenly Father has in mind specific male and female roles so that we can have successful functioning families.

Parents can teach proper roles/principals and promises; demonstrate healthy marriage,  and be accepting of interests, find strengths of each other and their children.  Encourage friendships, protect from sexual abuse, and no matter what your child or sibling chooses, love your son or daughter, sister or brother no matter what choices they make. That the best thing anyone can do.  Of course doing these things won’t stop people from struggling with same sex attraction, but it can teach correct principals. Many failed hetero relationships lead to homo relationships and in many cases the individual never saw a successful marriage between a man and woman.

We live in a society that focuses on passion, and whatever makes a person feel good is what we believe we should go with. Some think that in order to be happy in a relationship we need someone who’s just like us. Girls or guys will wonder to themselves why their heterosexual relationship isn’t working, and then turn to the same sex for happiness. But if we truly live gospel in our lives we will really be able to have a successful, happy, heterosexual relationship. Because of misunderstandings we really set ourselves up for disappointment.  

These are my ideas and opinions, and because this is such a touchy subject, I don’t intend or hope to offend anyone with any of the info above.

Tale of Two Brains

We were discussing gender differences in class this week and and this clip is the best and funniest explanation i've seen!

Stress on the Family

In class this week on Friday we had a visual object lesson that really stood out to me and explained how stress affects the family. It mainly focused on how immigrant families have a hard time and struggle together especially as a unit. Brother Williams selected a few people and had them hold hands in a circle at the front of the classroom. He asked for five girls and one boy to make a family. As they linked hands in the circle Brother Williams went behind one of the family members and slowly pulled backwards on their shoulders. The rest of the family started falling in that direction and tried adjusting to the stress on one side. That symbolizes what happens when one family member has a hard time with individual difficulties like school, their personal life, friends, etc. Any individual problem in the family small or big affects everyone else no matter what.

In immigrant families, especially illegal immigrant families, dad has to cross the border to make money in America for his family. He gets disconnected out of the circle and everyone has to adjust without him, but that’s exactly what they do. They get use to him not being there and relationships are severed. When he comes back the family has already created strong bonds without him and he has a hard time being back in the family.

That also puts a lot of stress on the family, but my thoughts on this are that this can happen to any family. I had no idea how individual problems affected the family and in what way, but seeing this visual really showed how stress affects everyone.

Family Systems: Communication

I really wanted to study more about communication within the family and because communication is the key to survival, I've been interested in any information that includes different types of communication and how they can be applied better in the family.
Communication can be one of the biggest dysfunctions even over gender roles and behavior issues. Pathological communication is defined as all the ways communication can be misinterpreted because it is unclear. Contradictory communication is a great example of this and is commonly known as the double bind. Two messages are sent both verbally and nonberbally which speak two different things. For example, when your younger brother apologizes for something he broke or got into and stomps his feet while yelling he's sorry, you can tell his communications skills are not being expressed in a way that represents how he feels. This communication disorder can also apply further than sister brother, or parent child relationships. It also becomes a problem in couple and marraige relationships. In the double bind situation the reciever is left having to decide what is the truth. Bad communication in a family results in low self-esteem and people become defensive as a result to try and protect their esteem.
Building good communication is an essential key to keeping a family together. Not only does everyone's self esteem go up and everyone feels better about themselves, but it allows the family to become a stronger unit.
Honestly listen and give truthful information when communicating with your family in a way that will not confuse them or make them angry. This will include the spirit into our homes where we hope to become a temple, heaven on Earth.